What is This?

My knee shakes quickly as I bum yet another ride from her. Godamn, two months in and I'm still just as nervous as that night. That night two perfect months ago. That night, the day after I had gotten beaten up by four "gangstas"
that overstayed there welcome at my place. Black eye shinning brightly as I take my seat in the front. I had looked around for maybe twenty minutes while sipping(chugging really) my beer. Looking around just further feed the fire of misery and self-loathing that had plagued me ever since that last bitch. I wanted none of them, nothing to do with the beauties that passed me by. Alone. That's it man, safe, alone, beer, drink it, what's that on my shoe? Just don't look up. Annie came skipping by happy and head in the clouds like always, "Hey that girl I've been telling about you is here, wanna meet her?" I thought to myself no. I was dressed in the height of vagrant atire. blue braided hair, cut-off corduorys, green hawian shirt that was too small. But whatever right? I'm sick and tired of doing the dress up routine anyway, if she can't hang with what I got then who needs any part off this? She came out from behind the curtain, eyes ablaze with orange Mac make-up, and bright pink fishnets. An irradecent display of perfection and beauty. No. Not again man, keep the walls up. She made a bee line in my direction and helped herself to a seat on my lap. I can hang. She started talking and carrying on an actual conversation. Different from anyone else. The back of my mind kept telling me to stop and just send her away to make her living. The front of my mind, The one I tend to silence, said fuck it and see what happens. I'm glad I listened this time.

"Do you feel that? Do you feel that connection between us?" She leaned over and screamed into my ear. I didn't want to but, "Yes, yes I do" I replied back. More laughs and exchanges of personal experiances, favorite drugs, and piercings. This girl sounds different man, give it a chance and see what happens is all that ran through my head. I tried to shut it up and make it go away but it wouldn't. There was something about her, I still don't know what yet. I was nervous as balls, stammering and stuttering as I tried to respond to this angel that was atop my lap. I felt like a noob. A drunken, poor, punk rock nerd. But then, "I guess I'd just really like a little punk nerd that can cook for me." Excuse me? Get the fuck outta town and burn the ticket, are you shitting me?

I'm the nerdiest of punk nerds on the face of this planet. I can tell you the date of the formation of choking victim/leftover crack and that crack rock steady beat(1990 if your interested).As far as social situations, partys, and people in general go, I fall short on networking knowledge. Nervousness is generally all I feel around people I don't know or are meeting for the first time. Especially a girl as gorgeous and kind as this one. For whatever reason this particular night, I put myself out there, said why the Hell not? I'm unhappy and socially inept anyway, what's yet another girl thinking I'm wierd or outlandish? So I told her some of the stories and tales the best of my ability as it was loud and we had to leave soon(my friend and I). She didn't once slap me, tell me I was strange, or looked down her nose at me in disgust. She smiled happily and contently at her new found friend. Little did she know my heart was pounding so hard with nervousness and intimidation that it felt as if it would jump out of chest and bitch slap me for putting it through the stress.

As me and Josh left and drove home, she was all I could think about. Whirling through my head like a hurricane as I tried to push it aside. We got back to my pad, walked up the stairs(I seemed to almost float with lightheartedness and excitement) I got a new text. Who could this be? I certainly have no one who is in dire need to talk to me, must be Annie or something. Flipped open my phone and read it, it wasen't from Annie at all, It was Her. The one I'd met earlier and for Christs sake shes saying how cute and sexy I am! What the fuck's wrong with this picture? This shit doesent happen to me. I'd go, meet Her, have a couple laughs, and leave. Always to think of and remember, but never able to reach out and grasp Her like I so craved to do. That's the way it's always been and that's the way it always will be. This time something different happened, She likes Me. That's a funny concept your humble narrator couldn't for the life of him comprehend. It seemed to be so though. What is this? This feeling that no matter how hard you try, you can't kill it. No matter how hard I tried to think, I couldn't. Absolutly and utterly stupid over this new female that had walked into my life and into my head. I was Hers and I knew it. Godamnit. The trials and tribulations of yet another hopeless romantic. A dying breed of people who want to make the one that has chosen them happy no matter what the cost. To add insult to injury though, that's all I can see ever on Her mind too. What is this? This feeling so foriegn and strange. Not strange in a bad way like seeing a suburban family of W.A.S.P.S. driving through Plano all singing "She's a lady" in unison, strange as in something that has never happend to me. A feeling of warmth running through my body all at once like when you chug a handle. Only better because I'm not throwing up. Why won't this feeling leave even to this day. As I sit and write this right now, all I can see is Her face growing smaller as I watched her drive away this morning. What is this? This feeling in my chest that burns when She's away and is so uplifting when She's around? I can hang with it though, I can live with having a smile on my face everyday. This is probably the first thing in my twenty two years on this planet that hasn't been so inane and stupid that I can't just shrug it off and say, "fuck it" like I've done in so many instances in my life. Although that would be the simpler and "safest" thing to do, I just can't, I don't want to, I don't Need to.

What can I say? I love her.